my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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