he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
