just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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