I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
3pm strippers are depressing
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
