I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
