hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
