Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I accidentally burped into my bong.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm chasing vodka with french fries.

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(319): View more from Iowa

By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"

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(315): View more from New York

We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car

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(903): View more from Texas

You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel really sorry for my toilet right now

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