I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
