Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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