mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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