ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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