Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You are the jesus of drinking
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
