Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
