so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
