your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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