Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
