Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
