There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
