You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
