I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
