my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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