Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I party with great urgency now.
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