Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
