When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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