morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Damn victory sex feels great
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