I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
They took my balls.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
