Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i used baking grease as lip gloss
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
