apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
