I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
