don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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