I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
