I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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