That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
