Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
