Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
