Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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