Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
