I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
