i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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