I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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