i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
