So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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