i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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