This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
