I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
