6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
