Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize