i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
