I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
