please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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