He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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