I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize