Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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