i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
