The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Bring me that man meat
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
