Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
