guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
