Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
