Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
