Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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