Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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