definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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