she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
