I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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