I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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