I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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