I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You dont lie about slip and slides
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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