6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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